Reflections: POSTCARD#8 - Finding the Will to Write Again

Reflections: POSTCARD#8 - Finding the Will to Write Again:

It is a strange condition that I find myself in.  While searching for the will to live through writing this blog, I now find myself searching for the will to write!

It has been months since I shared my journey along the road to recovery, from a stroke some 20 months ago, with you.  I am told that I have made excellent progress physically and am currently at risk of becoming an exercise junkie with all the new classes that I have joined.

Indeed I have been very busy with Nordic walking, Aqua fit, Salsaball and Latin dance as well as more sedate activities such as art and lace-making.  These have each contributed to my physical and mental well-being but somehow I find myself questioning my need to fill every hour of the day with a structured distraction.

I fear this is a character trait that has been with me since my teenage years.  A means of escaping that which is uncontrollable to a safe and predictable environment which rewards me with unconditional rewards and undemanding relationships. I find myself being more critical and reflective of my life and feeling helpless to change that which needs to be changed.  Consequently, it is easier to escape!

But that which you wish to escape becomes a blur, a mere smudge in you memory and I see many such smudges in my archive of life. Hence my renewed and urgent desire to archive the balance of my days.  So now, I am writing a daily diary and collating the experiences into a postcard to my blog.

This reflection does no justice to the loving and caring people in my life.  They have worked ceaselessly to live up to my expectations and stood by me patiently while I indulged my whims. However, I find myself standing on the edge of a widening precipice between myself and reality and losing the will to jump to the other side.

Reality equals responsibility, commitment, charity, compromise.  Resources I am running short of at the moment.

So it is that my journey of recovery enters a new phase.  The phase of rehabilitation to prepare me to return to reality.  Watch this space for progress. 

Mieye2: One lifetime is not enough!

Mieye2: One lifetime is not enough!

Evolution of a Parent -
Introduction

Becoming a mother for the first time, was a JOY, although the experience was fraught with trials and tribulations.  So much to give. So much to share. So much to learn. So many nights without sleep. So many days full of playfulness and lots & lots of work.

When my second child was born, I became a referee  jumping around the ring to ensure fair play between my 'David & Goliath'. I had to be quick, I had to be nimble, I had to be fair, I had to be fearless. Most of all, I had to have eyes in the back of my head.

My Son had filled our lives with joyous play & laughter and My Daughter brought to our home the gentle fragrance of tenderness with a whisper of contentment.  These two precious gifts were to us the fulfilment of our bond of love & friendship.

I remember each moment of their early childhood that was snapped or recorded but try as I might, I cannot see the details.   Like a roller-coaster ride with its highs and lows, the scenery is blurred but annotated with snapshots of expressions& moments when we pass the camera!

Plan, prepare, read, consult as much as one might, the experience takes over and leaves one reeling when, one day, a 24 year old giant looks down at you with his eyes full of savvy with a hint of mischief and the 22 year old offers you wisdom & wit beyond her years.

Pride with a 'ping' fills my heart when I realise that I am no longer the provider, the protector, the source of all wisdom for them, who may now prepare to start the journey towards parenthood themselves.

So many questions fill my mind.
Did I do right?
Did I do enough?
Was I a good example to them?
Could I have done so much more?
&
Who will look after them when....... I am not allowed to say this?

A good answer for me would be, 'I don't know BUT I did my very best.
Because the best is what I owe them for giving me the honour of being.. 
a Parent.  
I am being encouraged by these very children now to share my thoughts with you through a Blog.  So here it is:
Reflections: - not weighed, not measured ....Simply......dilse ( from the heart)