From the first few days of having suffered my stroke, I have passed through several phases of moods and emotions. The undoubted shock and insecurity at the outset was soon replaced by hope and a determination which has driven me to remain focussed on my journey to recovery. That is not to say that I did not experience fleeting moments of anger, despair and depression but I did not allow these negative emotions to become long-term guests as I was mindful of the damage they could do if given free reign.
Today, I feel emotionally strong and optimistic, looking to the future instead of mourning the loss of my past life. However, I have realised that things will never be the same again and having invested several years and resources in building up my project and professional life, I have to be realistic about my ability to return to my work. I receive emails and calls every day now, asking me when I will be resuming my classes again. It is painful for me to have to say 'Not yet' and refer their enquiries on. My work, after all, had become my life. BUT I now see that this was precisely the problem and I had paid a heavy price for this dysfunctional appetite - because this is exactly how I see my single-minded indulgence to work in the past.
It may have seemed selfless to many but I now see it as a very selfish & greedy hunger because it was an all consuming and demanding fire which required constant fueling and attention. It took over my every waking moment and also many sleeping I found myself squeezing in the precious and essential needs of my loved ones very occasionally, myself.
How did I allow this all-consuming fire to spread through my life? I must take time now to sit back, sort through the debris and contemplate. It will be easy for me to pick-up from where I stopped but will it be right? Can I afford to let my passion for my work drive for perfection in achieving my goals spark off another forest fire?
As my physical body catches up with the pace of my mind I must use this period of convalescence to re-train my approach to work and life in general. In this, I have, so far, resisted the attempts of well-meaning friends to give me reading matter and philosophical guidance.
Perhaps I shall now take heed and read just a little.
However, my next Chapter will be dedicated to my physical recovery and to the wonderful people who have been helping me to find my feet again.
'Milenge' ( We will meet again).
Today, I feel emotionally strong and optimistic, looking to the future instead of mourning the loss of my past life. However, I have realised that things will never be the same again and having invested several years and resources in building up my project and professional life, I have to be realistic about my ability to return to my work. I receive emails and calls every day now, asking me when I will be resuming my classes again. It is painful for me to have to say 'Not yet' and refer their enquiries on. My work, after all, had become my life. BUT I now see that this was precisely the problem and I had paid a heavy price for this dysfunctional appetite - because this is exactly how I see my single-minded indulgence to work in the past.
It may have seemed selfless to many but I now see it as a very selfish & greedy hunger because it was an all consuming and demanding fire which required constant fueling and attention. It took over my every waking moment and also many sleeping I found myself squeezing in the precious and essential needs of my loved ones very occasionally, myself.
How did I allow this all-consuming fire to spread through my life? I must take time now to sit back, sort through the debris and contemplate. It will be easy for me to pick-up from where I stopped but will it be right? Can I afford to let my passion for my work drive for perfection in achieving my goals spark off another forest fire?
As my physical body catches up with the pace of my mind I must use this period of convalescence to re-train my approach to work and life in general. In this, I have, so far, resisted the attempts of well-meaning friends to give me reading matter and philosophical guidance.
Perhaps I shall now take heed and read just a little.
However, my next Chapter will be dedicated to my physical recovery and to the wonderful people who have been helping me to find my feet again.
'Milenge' ( We will meet again).
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