Reflections: POSTCARD#8 - Finding the Will to Write Again:
It is a strange condition that I find myself in. While searching for the will to live through writing this blog, I now find myself searching for the will to write!
It has been months since I shared my journey along the road to recovery, from a stroke some 20 months ago, with you. I am told that I have made excellent progress physically and am currently at risk of becoming an exercise junkie with all the new classes that I have joined.
Indeed I have been very busy with Nordic walking, Aqua fit, Salsaball and Latin dance as well as more sedate activities such as art and lace-making. These have each contributed to my physical and mental well-being but somehow I find myself questioning my need to fill every hour of the day with a structured distraction.
I fear this is a character trait that has been with me since my teenage years. A means of escaping that which is uncontrollable to a safe and predictable environment which rewards me with unconditional rewards and undemanding relationships. I find myself being more critical and reflective of my life and feeling helpless to change that which needs to be changed. Consequently, it is easier to escape!
But that which you wish to escape becomes a blur, a mere smudge in you memory and I see many such smudges in my archive of life. Hence my renewed and urgent desire to archive the balance of my days. So now, I am writing a daily diary and collating the experiences into a postcard to my blog.
This reflection does no justice to the loving and caring people in my life. They have worked ceaselessly to live up to my expectations and stood by me patiently while I indulged my whims. However, I find myself standing on the edge of a widening precipice between myself and reality and losing the will to jump to the other side.
Reality equals responsibility, commitment, charity, compromise. Resources I am running short of at the moment.
So it is that my journey of recovery enters a new phase. The phase of rehabilitation to prepare me to return to reality. Watch this space for progress.
It is a strange condition that I find myself in. While searching for the will to live through writing this blog, I now find myself searching for the will to write!
It has been months since I shared my journey along the road to recovery, from a stroke some 20 months ago, with you. I am told that I have made excellent progress physically and am currently at risk of becoming an exercise junkie with all the new classes that I have joined. Indeed I have been very busy with Nordic walking, Aqua fit, Salsaball and Latin dance as well as more sedate activities such as art and lace-making. These have each contributed to my physical and mental well-being but somehow I find myself questioning my need to fill every hour of the day with a structured distraction.
I fear this is a character trait that has been with me since my teenage years. A means of escaping that which is uncontrollable to a safe and predictable environment which rewards me with unconditional rewards and undemanding relationships. I find myself being more critical and reflective of my life and feeling helpless to change that which needs to be changed. Consequently, it is easier to escape!
But that which you wish to escape becomes a blur, a mere smudge in you memory and I see many such smudges in my archive of life. Hence my renewed and urgent desire to archive the balance of my days. So now, I am writing a daily diary and collating the experiences into a postcard to my blog.
This reflection does no justice to the loving and caring people in my life. They have worked ceaselessly to live up to my expectations and stood by me patiently while I indulged my whims. However, I find myself standing on the edge of a widening precipice between myself and reality and losing the will to jump to the other side.
Reality equals responsibility, commitment, charity, compromise. Resources I am running short of at the moment.
So it is that my journey of recovery enters a new phase. The phase of rehabilitation to prepare me to return to reality. Watch this space for progress.
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